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1st July 2004

1:30am: Eric,

So I have come to the conclusion that you want something from me. What you want, well that is to be determined. One part thinks that you want my friendship and that is great. Another part of me thinks that you want more, what it is, I am not sure. I have come to the conclusion that I want something from you as well. So I want your friendship? Yes. Surprised? Well no, I've been open and up front about things from the start. Do I want more? Maybe yes, maybe no....the thing is that you are an amazing person. The conversations we have about music and movies and all other things media-related are exceptional in my opinion. I could talk music and movies and all other things media-related with you for long amounts of time. Am I afraid? Yes. I cannot be sure that there is anything past our "exceptional" conversations. It doesn't help that you like to play games with me and I am absolutely slow and clueless, at times. Am I ashamed? No. This is who I am. You may say drama, I say realistic. You may say that these are things I cannot control, I say they are things still worth pondering. I fear that I will be alone someday. I imagine alot of people fear that. More so than fear, I believe that i will be alone someday. My point in life, as of now, is to assure myself that I will still be able to surround myself with good, strong friendships if I, in fact, end up single "fo life".

It is one thing to lay yourself out there for a guy who could possibly be something more than a friend to you, but for me, it is a lot more to lay myself out there as a person with flaws and faults and stupid little things to a guy who could possibly be your good true friend or to be honest, your nothing. Am I dramatic? Yes. Do I know this? Yes. But this is who I am. I've been burned before. Hell, everyone has. It's almost irritating to hear how many times it comes up in each person's conversations that yes, they too, have been burned and fear being burned once again. I feel everyone's pain, really, I do. But I must watch out for myself first and foremost.

I guess my point is that I don't know what you want from me. If you are over the "hooking up" and the possibility of "friends with benefits", well then I am fine with that. It would not be different from the norm, so I could deal quite nicely. But if there is anything more to this, then I feel that I should know, otherwise, I think it's in my best interest to walk away or at least continue to tell myself that it is strictly platonic and no more. I think that's owed to me. If it is strictly platonic will I walk away? No. I want you as a friend. I really want you as a friend. I do not want the games. Point being: I could deal with your games very very well if I just knew if there was more or just simply this. Of course, you could never tell me that honestly, because if it were not for the games, you most likely would lose interest in me. Correct? Right.

So this whole post has been very very pointless. Super. Goodnight.
Current Mood: frustrated

20th June 2004

3:15pm: Wasting time...
Bold all that apply:

01. I have a cell phone.
02. I'm obsessed with high heels.
03. I'm the youngest child.
04. I am a shopoholic.
05. I love hoop earrings.

06. I am a capricorn.
07. I love beer.
09. I can't live without lip gloss.
10. I can't live without music.

11. I lived in Purgatory for 3 months.
12. I spend money I don't have.
13. I'll be in college forever.
14. I've seen Jason Mraz.
15. I get annoyed easily.
16. I eventually want kids.
18. I have more then a couple of horrible memories.

19. I am addicted to Lizzie McGuire.
20. I am a person.
21. My first kiss was when I was 18. Sorta...I was 19.
22. I start film school in February.
23. I love taking pictures.
24. I hate people who are fake.
25. I can be mean when I want to.
26. My dreams are bizarre.

27. One of my close friends is gay.
28. I have way too many purses.
29. I've seen 'Fight Club' at least 45 times.
30. I usually dress how I feel that day.
31. I love 'Sex and the City'.
32. Sometimes I cry for almost no reason.
33. I hate when people are late.
34. I procrastinate.
35. I love winter.
36. I have too many clothes for my closet/dresser.
37. I love to sleep.
38. I wish I were smarter.

39. I'm afraid of flying.
40. I hate drama.
41. I am addicted to 'The O.C.'

42. I love my hair.-most of the time
43. I never fight with my parents.
44. I love the beach.

45. I have never had the chicken pox.
46. I'm excited for the future.
47. I can't control my emotions.
48. I can't wait till New Year's.

49. I love the show 'Rich Girls'.
50. I love my friends.
51. Christmas is my favorite holiday.
52. I can be very insecure sometimes.
53. I have never broken a bone.
54. I hate racist people.

55. I hate my computer.
56. I love guys that play the guitar.
57. I state the obvious.
58. I'm a happy person...most of the time.
59. I love to dance.
60. I love to read.

61. I hate cleaning my room.
62. I tend to get jealous very easily. Nobody would know it though.
63. I love cute underwear.
64. I love John Mayer.

65. I cry when I see animals/people getting hurt/abused.
66. I want to go to Greece.
67. I don't like to study for tests.
68. I love God.
69. I am too forgiving.
70. I have a horrible sense of direction.
71. I love(d) high school.
72. I have a talent of sweet-talking my way out of things.
73. I'm a daddy's girl.
74. I love kisses on the forehead.
75. I love the color pink.
76. I love to sew.

77. I have green eyes
78. I love the Olsen Twins.
79. I played soccer for 14 years.
80. I become stressed easily.
81. I hate liars.
82. I like comfy sweatpants.

83. Elijah Wood is my dream guy.
84. I love the smell of asphalt after it's rained.
85. I love my family.
86. I hate needles.
87. I am a perfectionist (with some things).
88. I always wanted to learn to play the drums.

90. I am still a virgin.
91. I would love to have my own fashion line.
92. I can be quite selfish.
93. I still act like a little kid.
94. I despise dishonesty.
95. I love pictures.
96. I love music.

97. I wish I were more motivated when it comes to school.
98. I love getting stuff in the mail.
99. I have problems letting go of people.
100. I hate the feeling of being alone.
Current Mood: amused

14th June 2004

9:04pm: So here's the deal...
Ok, I've made a decision. I don't want to smoke anymore. All in all, I've always been the type of person that hates the smell of it but loved the feel of it too much to give it up. I think now is the time. I'm 25, I'm going to start my professional life, very soon. Basically, I was rejected by a man because I smoke. Even though this is the main factor in setting off my not wanting to smoke anymore, it's not the only reason. It hurts like hell though. I've had a handful of people on my back about quitting for awhile now. My dad even said, "All I want from you on Father's Day is for you to tell me that I quit." I know I need to quit now. Many people would say that quitting cold turkey is the best way. I think that I will go another way. Tomorrow morning when I wake up, I am no longer permitted to smoke in my house or my car. The only times I will allow myself to smoke are if I'm outside or at a bar. I chose this method mainly because I am at bars MAYBE once a week. I, in fact, have not been in a bar in about two weeks or so. If I would have started back then this would be half the battle. Basically, the only way I can smoke at my house now is if I go outside and that means having to tell my parent, mainly my dad, that I'm going outside to smoke. Because I don't like to throw my smoking in his face, this will really force me to not go outside and smoke. All in all, this really means that I will only smoke if I'm at a bar or outside somewhere with friends, I guess. On top of this, the friendship that I've built with Eric (the man who rejected me), I will continue to not smoke around him. However, I don't hang out with him much but this is just another thing that I need to make clear to myself.

To be very clear, I am not doing this for Eric because I feel as if he's rejected me. In my opinion, he won't have another chance. I will do it for myself. I will do it for my dad. I will do it for my brother. But I need to do it. I need to quit now. I figure if I can get through the next four days without smoking, then I will not allow myself to smoke on Saturday, because most likely we will go out. I need to be strong. I need to make it very clear to myself that I am not going to do this to my body anymore.
Current Mood: anxious

3rd June 2004

10:42pm: Argle bargle....
All I wanted since Saturday was a little message, just a word, from Mike to know that maybe he missed me like I missed him. I got a brief email yesterday....sent to a few of us. He likes work, he's learning alot. Then tonight, I got a phone call from him. It's all I wanted since Saturday and in the end, it's made me feel like crap. He loves it out there and he's having a blast. Of course, he says I should move there but who am I kidding? I won't move there....Philly or West Chester or wherever is not for me. I think about it though. I think about it alot but I would be moving simply to be near Mike and I just don't know if that's a good enough reason. Maybe his phone call was the kick in the butt I needed. I needed that to say to me, "Hey get on with it! Move out! Make your own life, your life is not Mike!" God I miss that kid but to hear him talk about dancing with girls and getting numbers and calling girls. I don't want to hear that. I might have made myself believe that I developed feelings for him but unrequited love is the worst and I won't be a victim of it. I'm sort of hurt to be honest. I should have known better. Mike does not have those feelings for me. We are best of friends and that's it. We said that things would not change but guess what, things have already changed and they will continue to change. The main reason is that he lives there and I live here. I hope that we will always keep in touch but he's going to live his life and I've got to live mine. I guess I should simply be happy that he misses me and he thought of me. I just feel empty right now. I feel totally empty. The good thing about your friends moving away is that you can cut out and go visit them, but the bad thing is you'll be hearing about how great the place is for the first month or so. The majority of our memories will be made without one another. That sucks. Mike made a decision and I have to accept it. Crap I'm so empty and just so alone. FUCK!
Current Mood: confused

29th May 2004

1:58pm: Wheel....
"And if you never stop when you wave goodbye
You just might find if you give it time
You will wave hello again
You just might wave hello again

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now

You can't love too much, one part of it"

A little John Mayer lyrics to help me along....Mike left for Philly today. I am sad, very sad. I've cried a gazillion tears so far and I bet there will be more. It's the end of an era.

I just want him to be happy and I think that he will be very happy. I know that his life will change and he'll grow to love new things. I won't be around to grow with him and I fear that we'll grow apart as a result. I think I am so afraid of him forgetting me. He always says to me that he'll miss me the most and that pulls at the heart strings. The last 6 months we've become extremely close. I'm letting go of someone who I don't want to live without. I feel like I should get all my feelings out but this is just too tough right now....

Maybe I'll write more later...
Current Mood: melancholy

4th November 2003

6:37pm: Okay so I think that hooking up was a bad idea now. I'm starting to think that it was a big bad idea in fact. My only consolation is that I wasn't completely into him. The text message that he sent yesterday is a great pat on the back of course: "Sorry about Saturday night, I was really fucked up, I barely remember anything!!" Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch-spit-in-your-eye great???

He's cute and was nice (I think). However, we have lots not in common. So with that said, I am going back to thinking he doesn't like me and I'm treating this whole thing as that. I'm so super glad I put myself out there for this horse shit. The good thing is that I believe that I can get over this and act as if I don't give a damn. So here goes nothing...

2nd November 2003

9:32pm: A crush or what?
Okay so that date I went on....Neal and I have talked since then. And this past Wednesday we met up at Tilts...Mindy and I were there first and Neal came later. Neal sat next to Mindy, not next to me and I started to worry. I believed he wasn't into me. Mindy gave me all this shit saying that I needed to pay more attention to him and that he was definitely into me. So I do...sidenote: there was this weird guy there who's asked me out the past three weekends, he approached me and freaked me out again. Neal didn't interfere with weird guy and again, I was thrown off. So, I just couldn't tell if Neal liked me. Like he looks at me and he sort of watches me, or so I've caught him doing this last wednesday. I mean I flirt mercilessly with him but just practically nothing from him. So I hug him before I leave and jet.

Enter Mindy's Halloween party last night....Neal's there. We're upstairs smoking a cigarette and he's just too cute. He kind of keeps grabbing me...like touches my leg, grabs my hand when I bend over to get something...just all these cute attention getting things. And finally we're sitting there looking at each other and I've had enough drinks that I'm thinking it's time for me to make the move. If he's not going to, then I will. I need to know if he likes me already! So like we had planned it we both lean in and kiss and from there on out it was like make-out session in the kitchen x3, make out session downstairs after mostly everyone left, then Mindy sets us up in her bedroom. He tells me that all of this stuff would not be happening, if he didn't like me. I cannot even go into detail but it was heavy. He is one of these guys that sort of likes it rough, which is equally exciting and scary. "It" not necessarily what it sounds like. I still worry if he really truly likes me though.

So in the morning, I think I should have followed him out to his car to say goodbye...but I just let him hug me on the couch and leave. I'll probably call him tomorrow, although I really feel as if I need him to reassure me before I reassure him. That's totally not fair though on my part. He's cute and sometimes I think too cute for me. I dig him though. I really like him so much....as a person, as a guy, in general....

I'll keep you posted....
Current Mood: curious

26th October 2003

12:56am: Social and Dating Phobias
I haven't been very forthcoming with any information about myself lately....hell, I haven't updated with any information at all in awhile. I just felt that tonight was a pretty big landmark for me.

Tonight I went on my first "date" since being single. It's been practically a year, so I figured it was time. I couldn't have asked for a nicer guy to spend an evening with. Part of me truly believes that we have some odd connection and another part of me is scared that he isn't into me regardless of any connections. Either way, Neal's absolutely awesome and I would take him as a friend anyday. No kiss goodnight which is fine really....sometimes that can be so tense. And for two people who have admitted to having dating/social phobias....probably not a great idea to freak ourselves out. We did do really basic things, hanging out mainly, dinner and drinks. And honestly, that's me anyway. Eh, I really don't want to overthink this....all I can do is take care of me and see how things play out.
Current Mood: hopeful

7th September 2003

2:58pm: I need to come clean....
Okay, so I've been going through a truth kick. I seriously have just really been trying to be real and myself. I don't want to do the "not-saying" thing anymore, so I've tried to be as honest and up front as possible.

Here's the deal: I made up a profile on a singles site, posted a picture and all that...mainly for fun. However, I believe it was for a different reason alltogether and I'm just now realizing this even though it was plain as day. I've never emailed or messaged anyone on the site. I've just bided my time and if someone messaged me, I decided to respond or not. Through the site, I've met some guys that I simply talk to online. A couple I've even talked to on the phone. To be completely honest, I'm not comfortable with meeting men this way. It was last night when a guy messaged me and we ended up talking on the site for a bit. He's new to Pittsburgh, he knows like 5 people and he's looking to meet people, friends mainly, someone to hang out with. He asked me what my purpose was in making a profile on that site. I gave him the typical rundown of just wanting to do it for fun and not being sure I'm on there to meet anyone. Really, I was hoping to find someone to talk to. But in our discussion about the site and his perceptions of people in the pgh area and those on the site, he felt that very many of the girls weren't necessarily willing to follow through with meeting up. He's not there to meet a girlfriend really, like I said before. I told him that I felt the site was mainly used as a big ego booster. You put up a profile and people look at it and message you and what not. You can see who's viewed you, messaged you, added you to their top list and so on. So it generally can be a big ego fest just seeing how many people checked you out.

I feel this guy's pain, really I do. He knows 5 people here, and he feels like people in pgh aren't as open and talkative as they are back home. He wanted to make some plans to get together to eat and hang out. I reiterate, I'm not comfortable with meeting men this way, even if it's in a friendly nature. So why am I on there? It falls back on the ego booster idea I threw around to him. Now I really do think this was my whole subconscious point in making a profile. Part of me wants to reach out to this guy and another part doesn't want any part of it.

You know, sometimes I feel like a coward and other times I'm proud of myself for standing my ground and never doing what someone else wants me to. So if my real reasons for putting up that profile was for an ego booster then I am firm in not reaching out to this guy. I am comfortable forgetting and moving on.

On top of all this realization and uncomfortableness, I live at home and although I am an adult....there is still an unsaid understanding that I respect my parents and let them know what I'm doing. I've been so open about my nights out, that I would feel horrible saying, "I'm going out, see ya later". It would result in so many more questions if I said, "I'm going to meet a friend I met on a singles site." Any other way I tried to gently let them know would cause me to lie or bend the truth or tell the whole truth and be stuck having to answer questions and tell about it later. I should point out that this is my mom we're talking about. And on top of feeling obligated to tell her my plans....she's depressed and has MS and I cannot bring myself to shut her out in that condition.

I'll be moving in with my brother in two weeks and that would most likely allow alot more freedom and basically no explaining of what my plans entail. So I feel as if I should stop this silly singles site stuff and chance being alone and not meeting people this way until I move out or just not do it at all. Afterall, I've stated twice now that I am not comfortable meeting men this way and truthfully, do I need any more reason to not participate in it anymore?

So anyway, I'm cutting myself off from it. I'm deleting anyone on my buddy list that I met through the site, I'm deleting the two numbers in my phone, and I'm not going to visit the site anymore.

Also, as a sidenote, I'm going to start updating this journal alot more and not with lyrics, with the real stuff that's been going on with me.

For example, Angie met a guy and they are together, in the sense of boyfriend/girlfriend. They met on a phone chat line. I knew that Angie was doing this so I don't hold anything against her. She's got balls though. She would meet any guy that she was anxious to learn more about. I want to say it stemmed from her really wanting someone. I just don't think I want someone that bad. I think that I need to take care of me and get everything in order before I do the singles site stuff and try to "make a match". Even more so, why do I need to do the singles stuff at all? I should be just fine being me and keeping it real for myself....rather than trying to impress someone or find a husband.
Current Mood: calm

11th August 2003

5:55pm: More lyrics....
Were you expecting something else??

Greenwheel - Breathe

I played the fool today
And I can see us vanishing into the crowd
Longing for home again, but home is a feeling I've buried in you
I'm alright, I'm alright, it only hurts when I breathe

And I can't ask for things to be still again
No I can't ask for you to offer the world through your eyes
Longing for home again, but home is a feeling I've buried in you
I'm alright, I'm alright, it only hurts when I breathe
I'm alright, I'm alright, it only hurts when I breathe

My window through which nothing hides and everything sings
I'm counting the signs and cursing the miles in between

But home is a feeling I buried in you
That I buried in you
I'm alright, I'm alright, it only hurts when I breathe
I'm alright, I'm alright, it only hurts when I breathe, when I breathe
It only hurts when I breathe
It only hurts when I breathe

These lyrics probably don't make sense to anyone except for me....but right now this is really how I feel....I know that it's been a year since I last saw Josh, 9 months since we broke up. Sidenote: isn't it sad that we didn't see each other for 3 months?? Most people wouldn't even take not seeing their boyfriend/girlfriend for that long....I'm over him, yes. But on Saturday, I was driving to the mall and I have no idea why but I thought about him....it was a serious honest-to-God missing him thought. It was weird and sort of depressing....I always feel that deep in my heart I'll meet someone new one day....However, I'm starting to think that I will have to deal with being single in so many more ways than I had imagined.
Current Mood: tired

3rd August 2003

7:24pm: Good Tunes
Right now, there is a guy out there somewhere who's listening to this song. He wishes he could play it for a girl. OMG, I could be that girl. And if he played it for me...I would dance with him...and let myself go, go, go....so hush little baby, here are the lyrics...

O.A.R. - Hey Girl

I took this girl out last night and we left around 12,
We walked along lonely streets and got to know ourselves,
I like to read - she likes to write,
she likes to sleep - and I love to stay up all night,
My friends say I'm crazy and I agree,
but that's okay, that's the way I like to be

Hey girl, come with me and let yourself go,
Hey girl come with me and let yourself go, go, go

We went out late that night and we danced through the night
I was holding on to her and she be gripping it tight, she was
She didn't care, I didn't mind
I was unaware, she liked to act so kind
My friends say I'm crazy and I agree,
But that's okay, that's the way I like to be

Hey girl, come with me and let yourself go, come on, come on
Hey girl come with me and let yourself go, go, go
Just let yourself go

Hush little baby
Don't say a word
I'd like to give you everything that you deserve
I'll give you my heart
Give you all my soul
You can have all my money
If you'd like you can have control
In my mind, I miss you
Every night that you're not here
And I just want to sit around and breathe your air
And if I cannot have you
I just don't wanna live
Oh I've got so much I want to give

Hey girl, come with me and let yourself go,
Hey girl come with me and let yourself go, go, go,
Sayin now, just let yourself go, go, go,
Just let yourself go, go, go-oh...
Let yourself go

If this song doesn't make you feel SOMETHING, then you've got serious problems...

Evanescence - My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here
Supressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating mind
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

Lately my journal has become a big bowl of lyrics which I have no problems with. I don't feel like talking about me or my life so much lately and lyrics can still give a little insight to what I've been dealing with....
Current Mood: optimistic

24th July 2003

6:23pm: I wanted to talk a little about my extern. I don't really know why. I suppose just so I have it documented somewhere. I'm at Harmarville Rehab and my first day wasn't exactly great. My first task was making a thick milk into a pudding-like milk. Dysphagia anyone?? Anyway, some of the patients aren't quite all there. Most of them are fine I suppose. However, there are some weird ones and I just can't get used to trying to interact with them. I will do fine though. Well I guess I could have written alot more but I just can't find it in myself to talk about it. It's depressing sometimes.

18th July 2003

6:45pm: I've never really gotten into Saliva before I heard a bit of their current single "Rest in Pieces" on the radio. Then I downloaded the whole song and I'm now obsessed. I can't say that I totally relate because it's been so long sing the break-up and I'm totally over it. However, this song has so much emotion in it and I just love it to death. So lyrics for my journal....

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did
It has not healed with time
It just shot down my spine
You look so beautiful tonight
It reminds me how you laid us down
And gently smiled before you destroyed my life
Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces?
Would you find it in my heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces?
Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
You got much closer than I thought you did
I'm in your reach
You held me in your hand
Would you find it in you heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces?
Would you find it in my heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces?

Okay, so one week of my hospital extern is done...and I have to admit it's not anything like I expected. In fact, sometimes I'm so scared. Anyway, I don't feel like talking or thinking about it.
Current Mood: tired

11th July 2003

5:23pm: So my last class is over...and my extern begins on Monday. I will have the typical job...I guess. 7:30am to 4pm...I only wish I was getting paid.

I think we'll try to go out tonight but so far it's looking like me and Angie...but it is only 5:30. I feel like going out, I do...but it's so much more fun when others come out.
Current Mood: bored

29th June 2003

12:41am: The wedding...
Well Brina and Matt got married today!! I have to admit that I was very nervous and also skeptical that I would have a good time. Holy shit...it was a blast! Getting ready for the wedding was a little crazy but fun! It was a bunch of women milling around and rushing later on just to be ready for the photographer. I loved my hair and the dress turned out to be quite good in the respect that many people complimented us bridesmaids on how well it looked, not to mention it stayed in place. I admit that it was somewhat uncomfortable when sitting but standing, dancing, walking around it was great! I honestly say that the $150 I spent on it was well worth it. I had a great time dancing and giving the groomsmen shit...I'm good at that. The groomsmen weren't so interested in spending time with us bridesmaids though. I understand though because I was the only single/unmarried bridesmaid and I'm not all that...at least not all that to satisfy all the groomsmen. I'm just too intelligent for some guys....lol.....

Anyway, I wanted to comment on the matron of honor and her husband. They both went to my high school and I used to be friends with the "matron"....I just had fun talking to her and her husband. It was a good time. He is alot cooler than I thought he would be. She has always been cool, and I've known that. I was pleasantly surprised to find that they are a great couple and I'm happy they are married and so on...Very cute couple y'know?

Okay so anyway, being in a wedding makes my biological clock tick even faster and louder....that's just me being silly me though! Either way, I feel sick admitting that I look for men. I mean, it's obvious that I would like to be dating someone exclusively and that marriage could be in the future...I just get sad that I am single and the idea that I might not get married is prevalent....I know, I know...I'm young and I've heard that so many times! I know that I have to stop looking. For the most part, I really am not looking. I imagine that when I begin my extern(s) I'll be so wrapped up in it that I won't even realize what's going on....then I'll probably meet someone. It's funny cause I probably won't think I want a relationship, I just have to realize that I can't be picky anymore! Okay enough rambing and what ifs from me....
Current Mood: tired

21st June 2003

3:35pm: Survey time again...
[ .001. ] first name: Lauren
[ .002. ] middle name: Beth
[ .003. ] last name: B******i
[ .004. ] nickname(s): LB, L, La, B
[ .005. ] gender: Female
[ .006. ] age: 24
[ .007. ] birthday: April 9, 1979
[ .008. ] height: 5'3"
[ .009. ] hair color: Brown
[ .010. ] eye color: Brown with a little green
[ .011. ] race: White
[ .012. ] do you wear glasses or contacts: Both but not at the same time...
[ .013. ] do you have braces: I had them back in the day...
[ .014. ] is your hair long or short: Medium, somewhere between my chin and shoulders
[ .015. ] where were you born: Pittsburgh, PA
[ .016. ] current location: New Ken
[ .017. ] zodiac sign: Aries
[ .018. ] how many languages do you know: 1, English
[ .019. ] nationality: Italian, German, Scotch Irish, Dutch, French, American Indian...but I just say Italian
[ .020. ] bad habits: Twirling my hair, picking at my fingers, and smoking
[ .021. ] piercings you have: Two in each earlobe and cartilage piercing in my left
[ .022. ] piercings you want: None
[ .023. ] tattoos you have: 1, butterfly
[ .024. ] tattoos you want: None
[ .025. ] today's date: June 21st
[ .026. ] the time: 3:41pm
[ .027. ] ready for a bunch more questions?: Sure..

. : Family : .
[ .028. ] mother's name: Penny
[ .029. ] father's name: Nick
[ .030. ] step-parent's names: n/a
[ .031. ] brother(s)'s name(s): Matt
[ .032. ] sister(s)'s name(s): n/a
[ .033. ] favorite aunt: They're all great...Kathy, Linda, and my great aunt La
[ .034. ] favorite uncle: Once again, all great...Joe and Greg
[ .035. ] favorite grandparent: My nana Rose and my late papa Ralph
[ .036. ] worst relative: Cousin Tim who used to do drugs, went through rehab, never smiles and is plain trouble in my book
[ .037. ] best relative: My brother for sure but extended family would be my cousins Daniel and David.
[ .038. ] do you get along with your parents: Yes pretty much...
[ .039. ] Does anyone in your family understand you?: Sometimes...

. : Pets : .
[ .040. ] do you have any pets: Yep
[ .041. ] what are their names: Frosty and Dusty
[ .042. ] what kind of animals are they: Cats

. : School : .
[ .043. ] are you still in school: Unfortunately
[ .044. ] did you drop out: No
[ .045. ] current gpa, or last gpa you got: Currently it's 3.65
[ .046. ] favorite grade: Freshman year of college...
[ .047. ] least favorite grade: All of high school...
[ .048. ] favorite teacher: Ms. McIntosh, Mrs. Comstock
[ .049. ] least favorite teacher: Mrs. Hensel
[ .050. ] favorite subject: English, French, Biology, Math
[ .051. ] least favorite subject: History
[ .052. ] do/did you buy lunch or bring it: I brought part and bought part
[ .053. ] play any sports on the school's team: No, I'm the poster child for uncoordination
[ .054. ] do/did you do any extracurricular activities: No extracurricular sports but other stuff
[ .055. ] are/was you popular?: Um no...but I could care less now...
[ .056. ] favorite dance: Um prom? I don't know...
[ .057. ] favorite memory: Football games
[ .058. ] least favorite dance: Um prom? I don't know...
[ .059. ] least favorite memory: Senior skip out day when everyone came to my house and stole from me
[ .060. ] most humiliating moment: See "least favorite memory"

. : Favorites : .
[ .061. ] number: 9
[ .062. ] clothing brand: Old Navy, Lerner New York
[ .063. ] shoes: Mudd, Nike Ace 83
[ .064. ] saying: Blah on you
[ .065. ] tv show: So many...Friends, That 70s Show, all reality shows, Everwood, Gilmore Girls, The Sopranos
[ .066. ] sport: Football
[ .067. ] vegetable: Corn
[ .068. ] fruit: Oranges
[ .069. ] movie: Dazed and Confused, Swingers, Can't Hardly Wait
[ .070. ] magazine: Entertainment Weekly
[ .071. ] actor: Brad Pitt, Ryan Gosling
[ .072. ] actress: Whoever...
[ .073. ] candy: York Peppermint Patties
[ .074. ] gum: Anything cinnamon
[ .075. ] scent: Ralph Lauren's Ralph
[ .076. ] candy bar: Nutrageous
[ .077. ] ice cream flavor: Chocolate chip cookie dough

[ .078. ] color: Blue and Red
[ .079. ] season: Spring
[ .080. ] holiday: Christmas
[ .081. ] band: Pearl Jam, Dashboard Confessional, Saves the Day
[ .082. ] singer: I don't know...
[ .083. ] group: Eh...Nsync I guess...
[ .084. ] rapper: Eminem, Mos Def...
[ .085. ] type of music: All kinds...
[ .086. ] thing in your room: Bed
[ .087. ] place to be: anywhere with friends
[ .088. ] radio station: it's all the same to me...
[ .089. ] tv channel: MTV, Disney, TLC, ABCfam
[ .090. ] junk food: Homestyle popsecret popcorn
[ .091. ] overall food: Steak
[ .092. ] store: Old Navy, Lerner New York
[ .093. ] shoe brand: Um didn't we do this already???
[ .094. ] fast food: McDonalds, Taco Bell
[ .095. ] restaurant: T.G.I. Fridays
[ .096. ] shape: Star
[ .097. ] time of day: Night
[ .098. ] country: United States
[ .099. ] state: Crap I've only lived in PA and OH for a bit...it's a toss up between any state I've visited...
[ .100. ] boys name: -
[ .101. ] girls name: -
[ .102. ] mall: Monroeville
[ .103. ] video game: No good at these...
[ .104. ] shampoo: L'oreal Vive
[ .105. ] board game: Clue
[ .106. ] computer game: Clickomania
[ .107. ] car: Subaru..
[ .108. ] music video: blah
[ .109. ] swear word: effing and crap...i know they aren't swear words but live with your parents and you'll start censoring everything too...
[ .110. ] word: Crap, blah
[ .111. ] month: What?
[ .112. ] cartoon character: No clue
[ .113. ] scary movie: Scream
[ .114. ] team: Stillers, as we call them...
[ .115. ] possession: my blankie

. : What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear : .
[ .116. ] eminem: cool
[ .117. ] dog: mah dawg
[ .118. ] hot: cold
[ .119. ] britney spears: blah
[ .120. ] nsync: yelp
[ .121. ] real world: ace
[ .122. ] orange: peel
[ .123. ] choice: pro
[ .124. ] @#%$: damn
[ .125. ] bisexual: dax
[ .126. ] black: man
[ .127. ] icq: aol
[ .128. ] insane clown posse: ew
[ .129. ] linkin park: um
[ .130. ] jack: black
[ .131. ] rainbow: brite
[ .132. ] cherry: bomb
[ .133. ] cucumber: melon
[ .134. ] shark: shallow swimming
[ .135. ] lifehouse: yay
[ .136. ] bat: man
[ .137. ] leather: boots
[ .138. ] whip: cream
[ .139. ] america: dubya
[ .140. ] water: wet
[ .141. ] volcano: erupt

. : This or that : .
[ .142. ] rock or rap: rock
[ .143. ] rock or pop: pop
[ .144. ] rock or r&b: r&b
[ .145. ] rock or metal: rock
[ .146. ] rap or pop: pop
[ .147. ] rap or r&b: r&b
[ .148. ] rap or metal: rap
[ .149. ] pop or r&b: pop
[ .150. ] pop or metal: pop
[ .151. ] r&b or metal: r&b
[ .152. ] linkin park or limp bizkit: Linkin Park
[ .153. ] tool or korn: Neither
[ .154. ] selena or jennifer lopez: eh...
[ .155. ] hot or cold: Cold
[ .156. ] winter or summer: summer
[ .157. ] spring or fall: spring
[ .158. ] shakira or britney: Britney
[ .159. ] icp or eminem: Em
[ .160. ] marilyn manson or rob zombie: Neither
[ .161. ] kittie or garbage: Garbage
[ .162. ] mtv or vh1: mtv
[ .163. ] buffy or angel: Neither
[ .164. ] dawson's creek or gilmore girls: Both
[ .165. ] football or basketball: Football
[ .166. ] summer olympics or winter olympics: Blah
[ .167. ] skiing or snowboarding: Snowboarding
[ .168. ] rollarblading or skateboarding: Skateboarding
[ .169. ] black or white: black
[ .170. ] orange or red: red
[ .171. ] yellow or green: green
[ .172. ] purple or pink: purple
[ .173. ] slipknot or mudvayne: Neither
[ .174. ] hot topic or pac sun: Neither
[ .175. ] inside or outside: Inside
[ .176. ] weed or alcohol: Alcohol
[ .177. ] cell phone or pager: Celly
[ .178. ] pen or pencil: Pen
[ .179. ] powerpuff girls or charlie's angels: Blah
[ .180. ] scooby doo or dino: Scooby
[ .181. ] dragon ball z or pokemon: Neither
[ .182. ] star wars or star trek: Star Wars
[ .183. ] tattoos or piercings: Both please
[ .184. ] prep or punk: Punk...
[ .185. ] @#%$ or @#%$: this obviously got messed up in transition

. : Private life : .
[ .186. ] do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend: No
[ .187. ] do you have a crush: I guess
[ .188. ] do you love anyone right now: Not romanticly
[ .189. ] have you ever been in love: Yes
[ .190. ] how many people have you kissed: Lost count over the years
[ .191. ] who was your first kiss: Matt Moore
[ .192. ] how many hearts of have you broken: Two maybe
[ .193. ] how many people broke your heart: Two maybe
[ .194. ] best quote to sum up love: Live well, smile often, love much
[ .195. ] so what is your bf/gf/crush like: Cool..college degree and all that jazz
[ .196. ] do you have a picture of him/her: No
[ .197. ] please post it if you do: -
[ .198. ] do you have a picture of yourself: No
[ .199. ] please post it if you do: -
[ .200. ] do you go by looks or personality: Personality
[ .201. ] ever kiss a friend: Yep
[ .202. ] are you still friends: Yes, best of...
[ .203. ] so moving along..do you smoke: Erm yes
[ .204. ] do you smoke weed: No
[ .205. ] ever trip on acid: No
[ .206. ] how about a little x: No
[ .207. ] crack, heroin, anything else: No
[ .208. ] beer good or beer bad: Hella good
[ .209. ] are you the sissy who drinks wine coolers: Good Lord no
[ .210. ] do you like smirnoff ice: Sissy
[ .211. ] prefer beer or liquor: Beer
[ .212. ] what kind of cigarettes do you smoke: Camel Ultra lights
[ .213. ] are you a virgin: No
[ .214. ] if no, when was the last time you got some: August 2002, yes it's been 10 months

. : Would you ever : .
[ .215. ] bungee jump: Yes
[ .216. ] sky dive: Yes
[ .217. ] swim with dolphins: Yes
[ .218. ] scuba dive: Yes
[ .219. ] go rock climbing: Yes
[ .220. ] eat shit for $1,000,000: I would, I'm sad to say
[ .221. ] turn your back on your friends for personal gain: No
[ .222. ] steal a friend's boyfriend/girlfriend: Been there done that..it's no fun
[ .223. ] cross-dress: It's not that hard for a girl to dress like a guy...
[ .224. ] lie to the police: Not lie just not say the whole truth
[ .225. ] run from the police: Yes, if the chances of me getting away were good
[ .226. ] lie to your parents: Again, not lie, just not say the whole truth
[ .227. ] walk up to a stranger and kiss them: Am I drunk?
[ .228. ] be an exotic dancer: No
[ .229. ] walk out of a restaurant without paying: By accident
[ .230. ] streak: Probably not

. : Your friends : .
[ .231. ] best friend: How about friends? Linz, Angie, Molly, Franki, Darcy, Mike D, Brina, Michael (there's your shoutout!)
[ .232. ] known longest: Darcy and I have been friends since we were in the womb, Brina and I have been friends since we were nine, Angie and I since junior high; Michael since high school; Linz, Molly, Franki, Mike D since college...
[ .233. ] wish you talked to more: Leslie and Michael
[ .234. ] wish you saw more: Leslie, Rachel...college friends..
[ .235. ] how many friends do you think you have: a good group of about 10 I guess...
[ .236. ] who drives you insane after a while: Rob...rare times Linz
[ .237. ] who can you stay around forever and never get sick of: Molly and Angie
[ .238. ] ever lose a good friend because you took it to the 'next level': Not really....
[ .239. ] craziest: Mike D
[ .240. ] loudest: Linz and Mike D
[ .241. ] shyest: No one's really shy...
[ .242. ] best hair: Molly's got the best wild hair and Angie and Linz have the prettiest hair
[ .243. ] can always make you laugh: Molly, Angie, Linz, Mike D, Michael...I keep the good ones around!
[ .244. ] best eyes: Molly and Linz
[ .245. ] best body: Molly and Linz
[ .246. ] most athletic: Molly?
[ .247. ] sex symbol: Molly...guys flock to her!
[ .248. ] hot tempered: Linz, no doubt...
[ .249. ] most impatient: Me dammit...
[ .250. ] shortest: Linz...
[ .251. ] tallest: Mike D
[ .252. ] most talented: They are all talented...
[ .253. ] best singer: Angie...though she never sings...
[ .254. ] skinniest: Linz
[ .255. ] nicest: All are very very nice...
[ .256. ] best personality: All of them...
[ .257. ] biggest drug user: Ew...um they've all dabbled in their drugs...

. : Have you ever : .
[ .258. ] flashed someone: Yeppers
[ .259. ] told the person you liked how you felt: Yes, it's called saying too much
[ .260. ] been to michigan: Yes, I have family there...
[ .261. ] gotten really REALLY wasted: Hell yes, many times...
[ .262. ] gone to jail or juvi: No, but once we got into a predicament where my friend's car caught on fire...we rode in a police car and hung out at the police station for a bit and then there was that time at Cedar Point when we got pulled over for having too many people in the car and me and some guy had to be driven home by the police...
[ .263. ] skateboarded: I tried it and busted my ass
[ .264. ] skinny dipped: Halfway...
[ .265. ] stolen anything: Yes..kinda
[ .266. ] wanted to kick my ass for making this so long: Nope, I'm bored
[ .267. ] kicked someone's ass: No
[ .268. ] pegged someone in the head with a snowball: Maybe
[ .269. ] broke a beer bottle: Probably but I can't remember
[ .270. ] gotten into a bar, under-aged: Yes, cedar point
[ .271. ] kissed someone of the same sex: Yes, God let's not bring that up!
[ .273. ] gone on a road trip: Yes
[ .274. ] gone on vacation without adult supervision: Yes
[ .275. ] been to a concert: Yes, many
[ .276. ] been to another country: Canada
[ .277. ] talked back to an adult: Yes
[ .278. ] got pulled over: Yes
[ .279. ] got in a car accident: Fender bender
[ .280. ] broke a law: Hasn't everyone?
[ .281. ] given money to a homeless person: Yes, Pittsburgh has lots of those...
[ .282. ] tried to kill yourself: NO
[ .283. ] cried to get out of trouble: Yes
[ .284. ] kissed a friend's brother or sister: No I don't think so...
[ .285. ] kissed a brother or sister's friend: Yes, I'm bad.
[ .286. ] dropped something on the floor that you were cooking and let someone eat it anyways: Nope

. : Opinions : .
[ .287. ] what do you think...about pop music: It's catchy...
[ .288. ] about boy bands: Nsync only but I doubt they'll ever come back...
[ .289. ] about flag burning: blah
[ .290. ] of the war on terrorists: Blah on Dubya
[ .291. ] about suicide: It's the cowards way out...
[ .292. ] about people who try to force their opinions on you: You force it and I'm forcing it back...just don't get me started...
[ .293. ] about abortion: Pro-choice but I probably wouldn't do it.
[ .294. ] about rock/metal music: It's good.
[ .295. ] where do you think you'll be in 10 years: In ten years I'll be 34 so I better be married with at least one kid...and I'll be working in a school hopefully bettering children's speech and language.
[ .296. ] who do you think you'll still be friends with in 5 years: Mostly the same people I am friends with now

. : What did you do : .
[ .297. ] last birthday: Had clinic and went out to dinner with my folks
[ .298. ] yesterday: Eyebrows waxed, wrapped a wedding gift, took care of my bridesmaid dress to be steamed, packed some things up so my room can be painted, hung out with Angie
[ .299. ] last weekend: Lots of stuff...went out Saturday and partied...
[ .300. ] christmas: Spent it at home with the family...
[ .301. ] thanksgiving: Ate with the family at home
[ .302. ] new year's eve: Went to dinner with family and friends and stayed home
[ .303. ] halloween: Nadda
[ .304. ] easter: Ate with the family at home...
[ .305. ] valentine's day: Same day as every other...

. : the last : .
[ .306. ] thing you ate: A piece of cheese
[ .307. ] thing you drank: Coffee
[ .308. ] thing you wore: T-shirt and sweats
[ .309. ] place you went: Basement
[ .310. ] thing you got pierced/tattooed: My ear ages ago
[ .311. ] person you saw: My mom
[ .312. ] person you kissed: My dad when I got home on Thursday
[ .313. ] person you slepted with: Slept or SLEPT with?
[ .314. ] person you talked to: Michael on AOL
[ .315. ] song you heard: Where is the love? JRT and that one group I can't remember right now...
. : Now : .
[ .316. ] what are you eating: Nothing
[ .317. ] what are you drinking: Nothing
[ .318. ] what are you wearing: Same as above
[ .319. ] any shoes on: Nope
[ .320. ] hair: Dirty
[ .321. ] listening to: Radio and air conditioner
[ .322. ] talking to anyone: Nope
[ .323. ] are you pissed i made this so long: Nope, i'm still bored

. : Yes or no : .
[ .324. ] are you a vegetarian: No
[ .325. ] do you like cows: Yes, to eat
[ .326. ] are you a bitch: Sometimes
[ .327. ] are you artistic: No, but I'm creative
[ .328. ] do you write poetry: Sometimes but not lately
[ .329. ] are you a fast runner: Nope
[ .330. ] can you ski: No
[ .331. ] are you british: No
[ .332. ] do you want to spear britney: No
[ .333. ] do the voices talk to you: Yes sometimes
[ .334. ] did you ever give barbie a haircut: Yes, but it was a generic barbie so no big deal...
[ .335. ] would you eat mac &cheese with hot dogs in it: No
[ .336. ] do you think disney creators were on acid when they made 'alice in wonderland': Nope
[ .337. ] are you straight: Yep
[ .338. ] are you physically handicapped: Nope
[ .339. ] are you fat: No, a few extra pounds
[ .340. ] are you skinny: a few extra pounds dammit!
[ .341. ] are you short: Yes, blah
[ .342. ] are you tall: No
[ .343. ] do you own a hot pink shirt: No
[ .344. ] how about orange pants: No
[ .345. ] can you see the flying monkeys: No
[ .346. ] are you evil: me? no
[ .347. ] did you ever know someone who had a mullet: Of course, new ken is the capital
[ .348. ] is britney a @#%$: blah who cares?
[ .349. ] are you a teenage zombie: No
[ .350. ] am i annoying you: yep
[ .351. ] do you like marilyn manson: Nope
[ .352. ] are you secretly from another planet: No
[ .354. ] do you shop at hot topic: No

. : Random questions : .
[ .355. ] if you could be any animal, what would you be: kitty
[ .356. ] if you had to eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be: Pizza or pasta
[ .357. ] do you remember any of your dreams: Not really
[ .358. ] do you dream in color or black and white: Don't know
[ .359. ] do you admit when you need help with a problem: Yep
[ .360. ] can people read you like a book: I don't know
[ .361. ] what's your biggest fear: Drowning, sharks, never having children
[ .362. ] do you talk a lot: Yes sometimes...
[ .363. ] are you afraid of clowns: Nope
[ .364. ] do you like spiders: Hell no
[ .365. ] how about grape kool-aid: It's fine but I don't really do the kool-aid thing...
[ .367. ] are you spoiled: I think I am...
[ .368. ] are you anti-social: Not really
[ .369. ] do you see dumb people: Yes sometimes
[ .370. ] do you see dead people: Nope
[ .371. ] any last words: Number 3, call up a breezy...
[ .372. ] now that this is over, what are you going do to? : I don't know! I'm still bored!!
Current Mood: bored
1:49am: I don't really have an update except that I don't want to hear about marriage or kids for the next year of my life!

12th June 2003

11:58pm: Justin Trousersnake???
Um please, could the world refrain from giving lame ass nicknames to Justin Timberlake....not because one day he'll be my baby daddy but because he seems to think it's cool...

Okay so anyway, I'm back at school...well not at this moment. I am home actually. One week into my last class EVER!!! Or so I hope it will be my last class ever...

Anyway, I met a boy last saturday...he's cool, I gotta admit it! Pretty much every little thing that I've ever looked for in a man....yeah, so it was good! Well one thing was not so cool....ahem, republican and voted for Dubya...and that's all the negativity you'll get from me...

Uh well I don't know what else to update about really...my class is uh interesting but um not fun really....if you like sitting in on a lecture about the brain, including the basal ganglia, all 12 cranial nerves and the thalamus...well come on over....I feel smart taking this class but also feel dumb that I retain so little of it. I hope I'm not in charge of figuring someone's nueroanatomy status out cause I will be like..."um gotta go...the real world is on" Speaking of the real world....WHOA THAT ACE IS HOT! I mean the accent and body and damn, men like that would never go for me...but I sure go for them!

Okay what the hell is a breezy in slang terms??? I'm taking it it's a girl if I'm going only on that Zima commercial where they count out all the great shit that makes up a night out with your boys...#3 call up a breezy...please God, never let a man refer to me as a breezy....I was down with the whole "shorty" thing when that went around but a breezy?? It sounds like a slurpee for Pete's sake!

Clay Aiken you are making life unbearable right now....I mean your song is good, I admit but your face is not. And Kelly and Justin....if I have to see the preview for that stupid lameass movie one more time I'll rip my arm off and beat my head in with it!!

Enough rambling for me...
Current Mood: calm

29th May 2003

12:49am: I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
Where I would impress you with every single word I said
Would come out insightful, or brave, or smooth, or charming
And you'd want to call me
And I would be there every time you need me
I'd be there every time
But for now I'll look so longingly waiting...
For you to want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me...


I'm dying to know do you like dreaming of things so impossible
Or only the practical or ever the wild
Or waiting through all your bad, bad days just to end them with someone you care about
Or do you like making out and long drives and brown eyes and girls (guys) that just don't quite fit in
Yeah, do you like them

Chris Carraba needs to stop reading my mind...
Current Mood: lonely

28th May 2003

12:30am: Bridesmaid dress--check!
Bridal shower--check!
Externs--1/2 check!

Okay so I was dealt out a stupid gene....I do stupid shit all the damn time. I regret my actions alot. I went to x-fest on Monday, got super drunk, talked about shit I don't even remember, and made out with a guy. The guy wasn't exceptionally...well, exceptionally anything....just a decent guy who paid me attention. I wanted to make-out with someone either way and I did....you know those make-out sessions that are just so intense you can barely pull yourself away??? Yeah well this one wasn't one of those....

I also have some fear that I talked shit on Molly to Franki, who I saw at the concert....but do you think I remember what we talked about??? No....I'll be single with no friends if I keep this shit up....

22nd May 2003

12:42am: Gobbledy-gook...
That's what my mind feels like...gobbledy-gook.

The viewings and funeral were tough, as expected. I pallbearer-ed with the best of them....the five grandchildren stepped up and rose to the occasion. I have been going through a minor depression missing Papa but I live on. Death is a part of life, as ironic as it may sound.

For the most part I have been fine being single. It's lately that I miss cuddles, kisses, and the presence of a man. I noticed this around the last month of school. It seemed as if everyone was married, engaged, or at least tied down. I feel lonely. I mentioned a guy back in March named Chance. One awkward, brief phone call brought the beginning to an early end. There was a total misunderstanding but that's life. Anywho, the party that I was supposed to attend this past Saturday up until my Papa passed was full of my friends, old and new, and of course Chance was there. I wish that I could have gone and at least cleared things up with him. I see maybe a second chance coming around. I felt comfortable with him. I've thought of calling him randomly but I always talk myself out of it. What would I say? "Hey Chance, it's Lauren, remember me? Mike and Franki's friend? Well I just wondered if you wanted to hang out sometime?" Okay so it actually sounds okay when I read it over but it's been over two months since I saw him, ahem...met him. I will go on with life and take things as they come...like I always do. I'm so boring.

I feel fat. I know I've gained weight from campus food. It's practically an enigma...okay well I ate the food, I know that plays a part. I just feel fat! My pants are all tight. I don't feel little or cute like I should be. I'm short so technically I should weight like 115. I never weighed that in my life...I went straight from 100 to 130-140. I'm really feeling dedicated to losing 15 pounds but I can't get motivated right now. I look at my face and it looks the same but we never notice crap like that on ourselves. I've stopped snacking after dinner which is step 1. Step 2 consists of exercising which I've always been incompetent at.

I have to go have my bridesmaid dress altered tomorrow. Blah! Talk about rubbing your weight gain in your face! Back fat and all that shit....If I can drop about 5 or 10 pounds from the time of now until the wedding I would be at least somewhat comfortable in the dress. The problem is the dress is being altered to fit my freaking body tomorrow. Fat, fat, fat...I hate me right now....
Current Mood: aggravated

17th May 2003

1:42am: Papa passed away tonight at quarter to 8. I know that he didn't suffer. I know that he is in a better place. I know that I will miss him very much. He was 88.

My dad said that Papa was very sick. There were a lot of things going on on top of the cancer...pneumonia and all. If Papa hadn't opted to have the surgery, he would have suffered so very much. The doctor said that Papa would have had it 10 times worse and been in very much pain. So the surgery prolonged his life for a little while. The pneumonia could not be taken care of and his lungs were getting weaker. They said the trach could never come out. They said he'd never get out of bed again. Papa wouldn't be happy living that life, he told my dad so. The family was basically expecting this....we all tried to prepare ourselves. I feel guilty for not visiting, but I love him still. I believe that he knows I love him.

Ralph, my Papa, came to America when he was in his 20s, and he made a life for himself. He was a mason and extremely good at it. Both my dad and Papa pointed out stone and brick work in and outside of town that he had done at one time or another. He built the house that my grandparents live in. There's a story about the house two plots down from theirs. My papa built it too. He actually built that one first. It's a beautiful house...and when it was finished, he bought the plot where their current house is. Keep in mind this was so many years ago. Papa started to build a house there but he ran out of money. So he moved the family into the unfinished house and sold the other one. The house wasn't finished at all. In fact, I believe there were still open spots on the second level. He was such a hard worker. He even did mason jobs here and there into his 60s, maybe 70s but I'm not sure. He was a small man, shorter than me, but handsome. In older pictures, he looks sophisticated. He carried that sophisticated "look" all the way to the end.

My fondest memories will be: a game we played when I was little...he'd puff out his cheeks while I sat on his lap, and I'd push on his cheeks so the air would trill his lips; how proud he was of my education, he always asked how school was going; and when I would greet him or say goodbye we shook with one hand and kissed at the corner of our mouth.

I got my last name, the little bit of green in my eyes, and probably my stubbornness from him....
He loved his red wine. He drank it with every meal. I've taken to drinking red wine too, but only on special dinner occasions.
He liked to read...about history, political figures, and news related topics. He gardened a lot. After all, they had to grow tomatoes to make the sauce.

My Papa was full-blooded Italian. He married a full-blooded Italian girl, my Nana, Rose. They are roman catholic and raised my dad and uncle very strictly. Many actions were based on the traditional Italian beliefs. Nana is not taking this well at all. The doctor prepared her, my dad prepared her, my uncle even tried to prepare her...it all falls on the traditional Italian way. It was dramatic today and will be dramatic throughout the funeral. Side note: my Nana's mother tried to climb in with my great grandfather at his funeral. There was also yelling, hysterical yelling. This is the drama I speak of.

This is the grandfather that I've known for my entire life because my other grandfather died when I was quite young. You were good to me. I will continue to make you proud. I miss you. I love you Papa.
Current Mood: gloomy

14th May 2003

1:02am: Drumroll please...
I forgot to mention that the semester is officially over....well basically, even though the one prof wants to meet for lecture this Thursday. I think she missed the memo that classes ended last Friday and this week is solely for finals. She just thinks that since we had our final last week, that we can meet one last time for lecture. Hooey, I tell ya....

Anyway, I think I'm looking at two A's and one B, which I'm cool with. I got an A in clinic which is all that matters to me. I was paid some wonderful compliments on my performance in clinic by my supervisors. And I honestly meant it when I wrote in the thank you note for the one, "It meant so much to me that you believed in me."

Anyway, Robbie Williams and 5 questions.....must go!
Current Mood: excited
12:20am: Wingman....
I hope everyone in the free freakin world gets a chance to see this commercial! It's hilarious...God knows, in the past, I've willingly become the wingman...er, wing(wo)man for my friends just because that's the type of person I am. I'd much rather see my friends make a "love connection" before me, and as a result I am happy. So I've stepped up and talked to the friend so my friend can talk to the guy. Brief explanation, the wingman preoccupies the friend of the girl/guy your friend is after. This way there's opportunity for uninterrupted this, that and the other.

Anywho, this commercial is perfect....a guy sitting with the egomaniac chatty boring girl while his friend is dancing up a storm with the hot girl on the dance floor. Although it's super unrealistic crap even for a commercial...there's a guy, playing guitar, floating on by singing these lyrics in a haunting but catchy way!

Written by Chris K and Jason Elm
Performed By Chris k

This chick's rockin' your bro on the dance floor.
But she's towing an anchor.
A junior investment banker.
Who's talkin' about herself and not much more.
Oh, so buy her a beer,
its the reason you're here:
Mighty Wingman
You're taking one for the team,
so your buddy can live the dream:

Even at the risk of sounding silly and ripping off those other annoying commercials...PRICELESS! And of course the topper on this whole tv ice cream cake is at the end, when the absolutely bored wingman, with an extremely blank/pissed face, holds up his beer to toast his friend on the dance floor...good lord, I love this freakin commercial as if it was my baby!!!!

I must be crazy....dedicating this bitch-ass entry to a silly commercial....I like the little things in life!
Current Mood: awake
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